A letter to my 23-year-old self.

Dear Nicole,

You do not know it yet, but everything is about to change. And for the first time in your life, you will learn the constant ache of regret.

It will change you in big ways. It will shatter your being, and it will take a long time to put the pieces back together. They will never fit right. A piece will be missing. What remains has changed shape – forever scarred by heartbreak and loss. Some pieces will be sharper at the edges. Others made dull. Heartbreak will have that effect. It will take what was, and shape it into what is.

Never the same.

You will be returning to university. Another typical Fall semester. The uncertainty and nervousness of a new year at school, no longer present. You’ve done this many times, and you’re nearing the end of your schooling commitment. Part of you wants to just hurry it up and get it over with, so you can start your life. Not realizing that life is lived in all the moments. All that came before. And everything during. All of it. You know this. But sometimes you forget. And you hurry. Don’t hurry. Live in it. Take pleasure in the moments. That’s the good stuff.

Listen to your heart. At that moment. And you will know which one. You will feel it. Just stop. Listen to your heart, and don’t rush. Take the time. Please.

Mom and Dad have to leave for work, and you decide to jump in the shower without giving them both a proper hug. Make time and hug your mom before you get in that shower. Saying goodbye wrapped behind a shower curtain will not sustain you for the years to come.

You do not know it yet, but it will be your last opportunity for an embrace. The last opportunity to feel her warmth. Don’t take that moment for granted. You owe it to your heart. Moments like that may seem fleeting, and inconsequential, but they are the exact opposite. They are everything. That’s how it works. And you are responsible for those moments. Protect them. Honour them. They are everything.

You can not change what will happen. No-one can. It doesn’t work that way. No amount of wishing it wasn’t, will make it so. You will have to carry on without her. It will be hard, and some days feel impossible. The sudden loss of her. Your mom. Our mom. Take comfort in knowing that her steady comfort, her constant love will carry you on the hardest days.

You have no choice but to forgive yourself. But you will regret your choice on that morning forever. And nothing will take that regret away. Nothing.

The pain of that choice will lessen. The space around it will be replaced with a renewed sense of living your life with minimal regret. And when you slip into apathy, you will always be jolted back to your natural empathy position. It is your true north. Stay there. As long as you can. Stay there.

Honour the moments. All of them. Treat them all as sacred. Because they are.

Take nothing for granted, Nicole. Hug her with your whole heart. Don’t say goodbye with a quick wave behind a shower curtain. Please. For me. For us.

Live every moment, with a full and grateful heart. Always.

With love and gratitude,

Your 46 year old self.