Have you ever experienced a situation when it is obvious that the person responsible for something has no intention of accepting responsibility? Acknowledging their part in the mess? Owning even a sliver of it?
A person who distracts you by dancing around the real cause, in a blatant attempt to diminish the effect.
A person feverishly pointing their finger elsewhere. Any direction will do, as long as it’s not pointed at them.
A person who, despite evidence and obvious proof of their role in contributing to the situation, still holds tightly to a false claim of immunity. As if they are untouchable. Unassailable.
I can spot a blame-shifter. They’re out there. Waiting to point, manipulate, twist, and shift the blame to someone else. Anyone, but for them.
Sneaky. Very sneaky.
I’m experiencing it right now, from a ‘professional’. And it is awful. Thankfully, I’m intuitive and mature enough to see it for what it is now. But it is still ugly.
In this particular situation, I have no idea if the blame shifter is cognitively aware of their behavior, or if their ego is simply emotionally ill-equipped to claim what is theirs. Their error. Their fault. Their mess.
A blame-shifter can casually shift blame to another, without hesitation or remorse. As long as it’s off of them, and placed elsewhere, they can wipe their hands clean knowing they successfully diverted the mess. And somehow use that diversion as confirmation that the mess wasn’t their mess, to begin with.
It’s awful. It’s destructive. And there is always collateral damage. Broken trust. Emotional turmoil. Feelings of inadequacy. Self-doubt.
All because someone couldn’t acknowledge and accept their part of the situation. Not even the slightest acknowledgment of their actions. Instead, they shift blame. Flinging it here and there, and everywhere. Except where it belongs. Its true origin.
Baffling.
Exhausting.
It must be said that not all blame-shifters or their blame-shifting behaviour is created equal. All manipulation is on a continuum.
Measuring its toxicity is not for me to do. I hold no credentials for this. I just know when I see it.
And it still shakes me. Every time.
But it also in these moments when I realize my strength. The continuous building of my character. Foundational strength. It is these moments that I am grateful I did the early work to build a strong foundation. Grateful I can hold steadfast and rely on its stability – compounded over time – poised and ready to stand the test, one more time.
So today, as I find myself knee deep in the destructive path of a blame-shifter, I will hold my ground.
Steadfast. Not stubborn.
Strength. Not weakness.
Self-awareness. Not self doubt.
Knowledge. Truth.
Always in truth.
On the heels of International Women’s Day – a day the world united and chose to challenge, I fiercely re-commit and step into my power and choose to not give one molecule of oxygen to fuel the destructive fire of a blame shifter.
Not. A. Single. One.
If you like to learn more about this topic, I invite you to check out this article from Psychology Today.
With gratitude, always
Nicole Osmond
Customer Success CoachAs a Customer Success Coach and 3 X business owner, I am living my passion and helping companies succeed by cultivating a customer committed mindset.
A Writer with Heart – I weave words together to stimulate, elevate, and motivate. My blog is my canvas to share my ‘experience nuggets’ with you! Thanks for stopping by! With gratitude, always – Nicole
An invaluable post, Nicole. I learned from a close association to a blame shifter how to observe and spot the signs. Sometimes it takes me a while as they can be skilled at hiding their intentions. Like you it shakes me to the core every time. I set/share a gentle and clear intention with them, step away and then stay silent. Not easy, but it stops additonal fuel being added to the fire. Huge hugs to you. <3 Xxx
Thanks so much, Jane. And I really appreciate you sharing your approach. With gratitude, Xo
Blame shifting is the precursor to gaslighting.. So easy to give people the benefit of the doubt but such a slippery slope! I know first hand!
So True! And it takes a lot for me to call it out as blame shifting. Gaslighting too. I have always given the benefit of the doubt, sometimes at my own detriment. Not anymore. Older and wiser now. 😀