Hanging on or letting go.

Looking outside the large glass window, the sky is a brilliant shade of light blue – a pastel color background for the trees whose bare branches were extending their reach, bare but steadfast in their stretch. My attention went to a tree towards the edge of the path. What drew me to this particular tree? It was the only tree in sight with leaves. Leaves that were shriveled and turned the bleakest shade of brown. If ‘tired’ was a color, this shade of brown would be it. Wilted and weathered. But still hanging on. Hanging on to what? A branch on a tree, a tree in the snow, snow on the ground, ground in the….

You get it. 

All the other trees around this little tree had shed its leaves. Leaves that had fallen many moons ago. Buried now under the snow, a hidden blanket of compost. 

And the thought struck me, Hanging on or letting go. 

Well Hello little brown leaves. I see you.  

Afraid to let go. Holding on to the only thing they have ever known. Perhaps depleted of all strength and desire for something more. Challenged by indecision. The certainty of hanging on trumping the uncertainty of legging go. Not knowing that its purpose on that branch has reached its limit. Letting go gives it a rebirth. A new purpose. It is reborn as compost to continue its service to the tree and the family of trees around it. Nurturing the soil and every living thing hidden underneath the snow and dirt.

This little tree with the brown leaves ignited something in me. How many of us are right now living on the edge of our purpose? Holding on to the familiar, and not able to see what could be beyond it. Clinging to something that no longer nurtures our being. Ignites a fire in our soul. Too afraid to let go and fall. Fall into the unknown and uncertain. A place that could be full of new possibilities, vibrant in many ways, big and small. 

I recently started reading a book titled, “Stop saying you’re fine”. I was only 46 pages in and my mind was blown. I saw myself in those pages so clearly and so profoundly, as if Mel Robbins wrote it just for me. I imagine I am not the only one who thought that way when reading her words.

What’s interesting is that I first thought the book was about mental health, but it’s not. Not really anyway. It goes deep into the heart of the why and how we are stuck. Like that little brown leaf, hanging on to a branch that no longer serves each other. The book shares insight into where we are and where we want to be, and what’s holding us back from getting there. It unravels those buried truths and long held desires for our lives that are hidden within “I’m fine” – whether it be in our careers, relationships, personal health, financial goals, etc. Unsurprisingly, it pokes its finger boldly at the five little words “I don’t feel like it” for separating the here and there. Those five little words take us deep into the abyss of mindset. Needless to say it struck a chord. Hit a nerve. Gut punch. Mindblown. 

Let’s just say it motivated me to get off my butt and try yoga. Yes Yoga. Yoga is something I have wanted to do for years, but for some unknown reason (likely the complicit reasoning, “I don’t feel like it’ as a culprit), I haven’t tried.  

And the next day, I went to the gym. And then again the next day. Which ultimately brought me to the view of this morning in the large window while I was sweating it out on the treadmill. 

If I relate to that little brown shriveled up tired leaf hanging on to that branch, I know others must feel it too. That little wilted leaf was holding on to what is and afraid to let go and fall into what it could be. 

My sister has said, “It is in the falling, she discovered her wings”. How profound that is. 

That little leaf and all the other little leafs that are hanging on to dead branches, have no idea of the next life that awaits them. How their purpose continues – in a new form – if they choose to fall. 

So now I am taking stock of the things I am holding on to that are preventing me from falling into my new form. The mental head games – also known as fear, doubt, shame, judgment – that make me cling desperately to things that no longer nourish my soul.

And similar to the seasons changing, I too must embrace the changes of an aging body, mind, and soul. I am not the same girl I was three years ago. Some days I miss her dearly, and I want her back. But I take a breath and whisper gratitude to her for all the moments before now and for her enduring kind heart. She served me well. She has taught me how to be kind to myself and everything around me.

I am changing. No doubt about it.    

For me, the words inside of “Stop saying you’re fine” lit a fire under me and I felt the scorch of the flame deep inside.

So I best get on with it, whether I ‘feel like it or not‘. 

With gratitude,