Never settle.

In Elizabeth’s Gilbert’s best-selling memoir, “Eat, Pray, Love” there is a moment in the book when she woke from her sleep, padded quietly to her bathroom, and unravelled herself onto her bathroom floor. On that floor, she raised her head and asked God to tell her what she should do in/for/with her marriage. For those that have not read the book, I’ll summarize the scene. Elizabeth was married, and deeply unhappy. Although she couldn’t point to anything in particular to justify her unhappiness, she felt empty – as if her life was void of something. Yet, the source of this feeling was unknown and invisible.

She was sitting on her bathroom floor agonizing over a decision. To stay or leave – her marriage.

I too had that moment. Long before that book was ever published. Long before it was ever a nugget of an idea for a memoir, I too unravelled myself onto my bathroom floor and cried quietly, pleading to God to give me the answer, “Tell me what I’m supposed to do.” No, I wasn’t married at the time like Elizabeth, but I was engaged. That was 20 years ago. I’ll never forget the soul-crushing weight of that emptiness. I cried silently. I pleaded for an answer in soft whispers with cheeks drenched with salty tears. I was desperate for an answer. Not just an answer. The answer.

I never heard one. I never felt one. Not that night anyway.

When I read that scene in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, I remember saying out loud, “Oh my God. You did that too?”

And now I know. With every fibre of my being, I know that she and I are not the only ones who have pleaded those words to the universe. Asked that same question. Begged for an answer. Aching for a sign. For the truth. A knowing truth to lift the burden of uncertainty.

To lift the burden of possible regret.

Regret for what is. Regret for what may be. Regret for what may never come.

If I choose wrong.

It was my verbal petition for wisdom, and courage, and strength, and resilence for whatever the answer was.

I pleaded to God, and I also pleaded to my deceased mother. I needed her counsel. I needed her eternal wisdom and an apparition of my future self. A vision of what my life could be like. I didn’t know what path I should take. The fog of uncertainly was too thick. Too heavy. Too saturated in fear and doubt.

Perhaps I saw fleeting glimpses of light, but it did not resemble this girl who was sitting on her bathroom floor, pleading for an answer. Pleading for the answer.

I needed an oracle.

No. I wanted an oracle.

I needed my resolve.

I needed to go inward and feel, not outwards to see.

I needed to feel the certainty in my center.

What should I do? To stay or go? To choose this life or something else? To stay in the familiar or jump off the ledge into the unknown – into a hollow void filled to the brim with uncertainty?

You see, the reason I was agonizing over this decision, was less to do with the man I was engaged to, and more to do with my inner desire for something more. Like Elizabeth. It wasn’t about the man. Well, not completely anyway. He was a good man. By every variable and constant in the equation, he was good marrying material. I had no ‘visible’ reason to feel that crushing weight of doubt.

This doubt was the presence of my soul’s intuition, pushing and pulling me towards something more. A more fulfilling life. A more meaningful existence. Closer to my innate purpose. A purpose that permeates my skin – and adds the mortar to my spirit. My desire for something more.

You see, this was the model of partnership and marriage I had witnessed in my parents. I knew deep in my soul’s soul, what I had in this relationship, was not it. There was something bigger for me. I had no idea what that looked like, or where, or when. But I clung so hard to the belief that there was something greater out there for me.

So I made the decision to leave.

It wasn’t easy. And I’m sure some people questioned my reasoning. My sanity, perhaps. After all, he was a good catch. This is not a dig on him. We were simply not meant for each other beyond the time we had already shared. Our time together was enough.

So I left.

I choose me.

I filled my suitcase with hope and possibility. I was intentionally shaping my life. I left my home town, my family, my friends, and my fun job and moved to another province. I started a new life – a new career and lived on my own for the very first time. I focused on building my life. I didn’t date anyone for a long time. I didn’t want to. This time was about me. For me.

I had doubts. No doubt about it.

Pun intended.

A massive change requires a massive reset. A recalibration doesn’t suffice for that kind of change. It requires an overhaul – a complete dismantling and rebuilding.

I was now alone but I was not lonely.

There is a big difference in being alone, and feeling lonely. Than being with someone, and feeling lonely.

A. Big. Difference.

My sister wrote a verse that I absolutely love, ‘In the falling, she discovered her wings.”

I discovered my wings. I shaped a new life. I dismantled and found myself in the pieces. I tested my resolve and rebuilt.

I didn’t settle. For less than.

I have never settled.

It wasn’t always easy. Many times I doubted myself. How does one really know what they should do in any situation? For me, I went inward and found my certainty in my centre. And then you chose, and you let the rest go.

I came close to settling once more, but my heart (and centre) knew to let go. This was not the thing that made the first thing worth it. This was not it.

I was in my early 30’s when the reason I never settled came into my life. And for every day since, I know why my heart waited.

My reason for not settling is now my husband. He makes me laugh every day. And every day I am reminded of the gift I gave myself on that bathroom floor many years ago. When I asked for more.

I didn’t settle.

For less than.

With gratitude, always

Nicole Osmond

Customer Success Coach

As a Customer Success Coach and 3 X business owner, I am living my passion and helping companies succeed by cultivating a customer committed mindset.

A Writer with Heart – I weave words together to stimulate, elevate, and motivate. My blog is my canvas to share my ‘experience nuggets’ with you! Thanks for stopping by! With gratitude, always – Nicole